the future

I generally think in circles. I often eat in circles and dance in circles, too, but I don't think they're related. I think in circles because I start with a thought, then kinda move a bit sideways from that thought, then go up a bit, then a bit back toward the original thought but at the other end of the spectrum, then a bit sideways and down, then down and back to the first thought. So sometimes I think I might like some toast, then reason that I had a sandwich for lunch and more bread isn't an amazing idea, but then I think maybe I could still have something toasted, like a crumpet or an English muffin, but then I reason that they're both made from wheat too, so what I'll do instead is have a cup of tea, except, what goes nicely with tea? Toast.

As you can see, it's not very productive. It takes me a long time to come to any sort of conclusion about anything, I can rationalise til the cows come home and still not make a fucking decision. I get caught up in words and bullshit, basically. I think it's basically my brain's way of avoiding anything concrete - if I can talk around the issue, I never have to actually decide on it, hence I never get disappointed because nothing ever happens. What does this have to do with my fears? Well, apart from the fear that I will get stuck in one of these circles, one of these this-is-the-song-that-doesn't-end kinda groundhog day nasties that will destroy me and see me living out my days in a padded white cell with nothing to show for myself except gross long fingernails and halitosis - apart from that fear, I also use this line of circular thinking to explore my afeardies.

Today I got scared that I was just going to be a drama teacher forever. I got scared that my future as an artist was rapidly fading, I only had a few more years left as an 'emerging' writer (that word needs a blog all of its own). Then I thought I was a bit of a wanker for thinking that working with kids was somehow less than being an artist. As if being a teacher was just a cop-out. Then I got all angry and thought, Fuck, No, Teaching is noble and amazing and not everyone can do it, it's really fucking hard and important and if you're a good teacher you can change lives. Then I thought that if I was a good playwright I could change more lives, and a lot faster. If my plays are an hour and a half and 50 people see each show, and we do a 10 show season, and I do 3 shows a year, that's, 1500 people a year who get to see my plays, instead of 26 Year 8 girls who get me as a drama teacher. But then I thought why the fuck would I want to be a wanker playwright anyway, I don't need validation from a bunch of Melbournites in swanky jackets and rubber pants. But then again, their jackets ARE very swanky, and I like wine, and they like wine, and I like being able to look at their jackets whilst under the influence of wine. Then I decided that it was fine to be an artist and I could have fun and be stimulated by that, but that it might be a good idea just to have something else as a back up and it should be teaching beacuse I actually really love kids and love working with them doing theatre and drama. Then I got carried away with the thought of being a teacher and how wonderful it would be to have all these amazing talented young people that you could get excited about drama with. Then I got scared that I was just going to be a drama teacher for the rest of my life. Which brings us back to the beginning, a nice big circle.

I think I've decided that it's not that scary, being a drama teacher. It's best to just stop thinking about it and do the degree and at the end of it just go to bed for a very long time and not come out from under the doona for any reason other than to wee and collect more lollies. But then that's a very scary idea, too, isn't it, the idea that you can study at Uni for 6 years, be a fucking Master of Education (a master! a master!!!) and still live out your days surrounded by Crunchies, milk bottles and mohair blankets. That's all you amount to, a fat bastard who can't even afford Foxtel. Imagine not being able to have Foxtel and being a fat bastard. That's the most terrifying thing I think.